Proof Over Permission with Alexandra Dotcheva

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We spend so much energy looking for the moment that broke us, when the real work only starts the day we stop looking outward for the blame.

In this episode, I sit with Alexandra Dotcheva, a former professional violinist turned nurse, real estate investor, and martial artist, and the author of It Really Is Simple, A Holistic Approach to Self-Confidence. Alexandra played violin for 29 years, starting at age six in Bulgaria, earning her master's and doctoral degrees in the instrument, before a 2008 breakdown at 32 became the crossroads that redirected her entire life. She rebuilt herself from the ground up, training as a nurse, building a real estate portfolio that produces passive income, and earning black belts in martial arts, a dream her father shut down when she was a child.

We talk about the 20 year battle with confidence she'd never spoken about publicly until now, why curiosity has to stay at a child's level even as accountability grows into an adult one, and why she believes the worst things that happen to us, we do to ourselves. You can learn more about her work and find her book at holisticselfconfidence.com.

CONNECT WITH ALEXANDRA DOTCHEVA

Book: It Really Is Simple, A Holistic Approach to Self-Confidence, available at holisticselfconfidence.com

Website: holisticselfconfidence.com

CONNECT WITH DENISE DRINKWALTER

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@thethriveafter45podcast

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IGNITE is an extension of these conversations.

It’s where reflection becomes embodiment.

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Transcript

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0:52

Hello, and welcome to Thrive After 45. I'm Denise Drinkwalter, midlife mentor and mirror, and every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion. Because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire What if the life that cracked open was actually the one you were always meant to find your way into? My guest today is a woman who came to her new country with a violin and a dream. And for years she thought that was enough. Until 2008, when everything she had built quietly fell apart. She didn't call it a breakdown. She called it a crossroads. And that one small but crucial shift in how she held that moment changed the entire direction of her life. What followed wasn't a straight line. It never is for the woman who actually do the work. She became a nurse. She built a real estate business. She trained in martial arts, not for sport, but because she needed to learn in the most physical way possible what it actually means to stay in the fight. And somewhere inside all of that, she won a 20-year battle with her own confidence that she had never spoken about publicly, until now. She's written a book about it. It Really Is Simple. And if that title makes something inside of you bristle, she's counting on that. If any part of our guest's story just touched something in you, stay with that. That's not coincidence. That is recognition. And it truly is my honor and privilege to welcome Aleksandra Dotcheva to Thrive After 45. So great to have you here. Denise, thank you so much for having me. What an amazing introduction. Thank you so much. Pleasure to be here. Oh, we, we met, as we always tend to do on our show, because we have so many incredible guests and the lineup just is so large, but Aleksandra and I, before we started our conversation today, she... We ha- I just said, "Oh, yes, that's my daughter's name." She, "I remember." I'm like, "Wow, this woman is on fire. She remembers so much." And so I would love to start with a question where we can understand more of your backstory. I know I introduced a little bit, little snippets, the violin and how you came to the country and, and if you could just give us an overview so our listeners have an idea of who is Aleksandra? Where did she start? All right. Thank you. Of course. I started the violin at age six in Bulgaria, 'cause I'm born, I was born in a family of musicians. And, in Eastern Europe, if parents do one thing, they want the child to do the same thing as early as possible. And with arts, we have to start early because it's such a competitive field, of course. Okay. And, I played the violin, Denise, for 29 years. Okay? Wow. at 26 years into violin, that's when I'm, the breakdown happened, the midlife crisis, the crossroads. But I did come to the States at age 24 on a student visa, and I earned my master's and doctoral in violin. I had spent 12 years in specialized music school in Bulgaria from the first to the 12th grade, and then four more years for the bachelor's degree in the conservatory, which tells you that I had a very narrow focus from a very early age. Okay? Right. So you either succeed or you fail. And, If you lose confidence in the middle of all this- Mm-hmm then you're in real trouble. And I have described in the book that a lot of my loss of confidence early on in my teenage was, really 90% self-induced- Mm out of, guilt for not practicing properly. I mean, there was a big, big moment with the patience and perseverance with practicing because I had a very fast thought process, but I didn't have the patience to allow my hands and, the rest of the body to really, catch up with the demands of the instruments. And I was developing well for a while, and then things gradually started, uh, going in a plateau, and I noticed that, and that's when I lost my confidence, and I fed into that, uh, for many years until, um, it was unbearable and something had to change, and I didn't know how to change it, okay? Mm. So the crisis happened at 32. I already had earned my doctoral degree in the States. Okay. And then the economy started falling apart because we're talking 2008. Right. 32, 2008. So, uh, now you know how old I am. Yay. But at the time it was bad because midlife crisis usually happens after 40, right? But- Right you have been in the trade for 26 years. That was 26 years when I was 32. Mm-hmm. It's, like, almost your entire life. Yeah. And people, after being in the trade for 26 years, they think retirement. And in arts, you are starting very late on the job path. Mm-hmm. Uh, very competitive field. To get in an orchestra, you compete against 40 to 500 people for one spot. They're playing 10 minutes behind a curtain. And this type of pressure was just really what broke me event- eventually, and, in addition to my stage fright that had started way earlier on, and lack of confidence. And I was really... That was really a crossroads when the economy, um, tanked and many- Right orchestras in the United States started bankrupting one after the other. Right. Of course. Yeah. So from there, what did you do at that junction? At that junction, uh, two of the strongest players of my professor, students that, um, had graduated very prestigious schools, I heard through the grapevine through a third friend that they had transitioned to drastically different professions, and they were better than me as violinists. That was like the slap on the face. Wow. And that's when I figured, okay, if you don't do this now, you will have huge regrets in 30 years if you don't take a risk. So I started looking, um, what did I used to like when I was a kid, but I didn't get the opportunity to study it enough because I was in a music school. So one of these things was biology. Okay. I loved biology. I loved animals. I loved the way the human body worked, anatomy, physiology- Mm-hmm what little I had learned about it. I had no science base past the eighth grade, which was- Mm-hmm still very flimsy because specialized music school you barely touch the surface of any science, and let alone vocabulary in English. But I learned that nursing was a profession that was in a shortage- Mm-hmm uh, worldwide, and it didn't demand 11 years in college like I had already spent as a violinist, and I decided to give it a try. Mm-hmm. So that's how, in a nutshell, it happened with the nursing at first. Okay. Okay. And then from nursing you got into real estate. I did. Because, it takes about a year, and if you're slow like me, two years to realize how the healthcare system really works. Ah. And using the patients as assets. You know, managing disease versus healing disease. Everybody knows a lot about disease and almost nothing about health. Uh, the way the nurses were turnover, um, people calling off, so the shortage was additionally exaggerated by people who just didn't feel like going to work at all. And, nurses had every disease known to man, and they were supposed to be the professionals who teach others how to be healthy, and that I saw immediately. The way the food was served in hospitals, the least healthy food in a cardiac hospital. That's where I graduated from, and that really, uh, very big red light. So I figured, okay, I'm gonna be a nurse because I want- Yeah to learn the tough way. I want a full-time job. I will be a nurse for many, many years. However, in the meantime- Yeah let's learn something else because I need to now become financially educated to learn how to build assets that produce passive income- Mm-hmm that doesn't depend on a job, and- Right I have choices. Mm-hmm. I have lots of choices. That way you have several streams of passive income- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm that you, uh, manage very well. You have to learn the management. The acquisition is easy. People think it's very hard to buy real estate. It's really easy. But how you manage that real estate independently and profitably, that's a whole different story. So I did buy mentorship from a self-made millionaire because I was clueless financially, Denise. Very, very clueless. Yeah. Just like I was- Yeah scientifically clueless, but I started learning nursing school. And I remember in nursing school I spent- Probably between eight and s- 13 hours a day studying. Wow. I replaced my violin practice with, uh, nursing studying practice. Yeah. I read all the major textbooks three, four times before even the classes started so I could ace these classes, because I was clueless. So with finance, it was kind of the same thing. Mm-hmm. And, when I started building the assets, then the job became a little bit easier to bear with because it was not my only choice. It was no longer like, "You have to do it or else." Right. And I was able to find better job opportunities that would allow me to practice real estate at the same time. Nice. So you constantly have to be searching and- Yeah um, adjusting your style for, like, five, six, seven years until you really find. But you have to be willing to stay in the game. Mm. And there will be difficulties at every step, and you just need to, you know, plow through that, and eventually problem after problem after problem solved. Mm-hmm. Situation improve gradually. You build the confidence. But, initially I was a person who really did not know how to tackle problems- Right, okay at all, beyond the four walls of the practice room. So this was my long learning curve, uh, solving problems and being proud of it and seeking more problems to solve. Nice. And tell us about all of those pieces that you were s- I, I'm going to make an assumption here, so please clarify if I'm totally off the mark. You are an individual who is able to create a drive or you have a natural drive? Once I believe that I can learn anything I want, the natural- Mm drive really becomes a beast. But I first had to create a drive, because I, when I was not a competitive enough violinist at 32 and I was making less than $18,000 a year after- Wow having been in the States for six years. I've said this before, I've looked at myself in the mirror and said, "You're in America. You're in the most prosperous country in the world. You're 32 years old, and you're making less than $18,000 a year. You're a moron." Mm. I told this to... You are a moron in every, in every aspect. You have no confidence. You have no curiosity. You have no initiative. You're depriving yourself of opportunity because of your mindset. Mm. So at first, the drive has to be, had to be created with a big self-kick in the butt. Yeah. And then once- Right the nursing school, I graduated very high, very high grades and then beca- eventually became a successful nurse. And then with the real estate, when I made that successful and profitable- Yeah because I built several businesses for each, uh, rental property, that's where the drive already completely kicked in, and there was no stopping. Right. Right. Love that. So from where you started to where you are today, what types of things are absolutely imperative from your vantage point and the people that you support on their journeys, what is absolutely imperative that there's no wiggle room for around confidence, let's say, specifically? Mm-hmm. So if you're curious about something- Mm that can bring you later great satisfaction, whether it's financial, health, or relationship-wise, if you're really curious, grab it. Grab it, learn the ropes first, l- live through boredom because after curiosity comes deep boredom, disappointment, disillusionment. Live through that. Mm. Make yourself live through that and continue. Remember that first curiosity. Never let go of it. Never lazy yourself out of that state because you will give up and then you'll start again with something else. That's what lots of people with chain of unsuccessful, um, startups and, uh, beginnings in life, that's what it is. Live through boredom, create more boredom, create a routine, be bored to death, and do it anyways, and then watch, reap your, the fruit of your success because it's truly, truly worth it and goes beyond your wildest dreams if you keep at it. Yeah. Keep at it. Is there... It, it... I know that I coach a number of women and have over the last six, seven years, and it's one of the things that I find women in particular are doing is looking outside of themselves to find their, quote-unquote, purpose. Mm-hmm. And what you're sharing right now I think is a very foundational piece. That curiosity lives deep inside of you. If you- It's the child right? Yes. Where is the child? Thank you. It- That's exactly my lane, too. There's something inside of you. You don't have to look outside for your purpose. You just go inward and flesh away all the years of- I don't know, dumping that you think you believe that you are, when you clear that lane and you tap into your younger self as a child, you'll know what your curiosity is, right? You know, it's, yeah, it's really interesting because the way you take responsibility and self-accountability has to be completely on an adult level, but the curiosity always has to stay at the child level. Always has to be at a child level. Everything else, accountability, resilience, responsibility, integrity, adult level. Curiosity, always keep at a child level. I love that. Yeah. That way when you marry those two pieces, you can't go wrong, right? You can, but it doesn't bother you so much. Ah, there you go. You, you're willing to take the risk and the responsibility for it, but the curiosity keeps you going, and- Right accountability tells you when you're going the wrong direction- Mm-hmm if you have the integrity. And then comes another very important piece, which in my life was m- major until I made it an ally. That was my anxiety. Fear of failure, right? Mm. Fear of judgment and all that. Big one. Mm-hmm. You, yeah, with, the success and with the experience and all the failures that you'll get up out of, then you stop worrying about others' opinions. That's the first thing I stopped worrying about, which was- major, major. I bet. Nobody approved of my martial arts practice for 12 years, which I ended up earning black belts and other belts, and it was great. Nobody approved of my nursing. My closest, my parents were terrified. Uh, then nobody really, my friends didn't approve of my real estate endeavors. Mm-hmm. Every super close person that I asked, they were against these three major decisions in my life, and they ended up being the most important and most valuable decisions- Mm just because I didn't listen to them, and it turned out to be so successful. And that's where the relationship piece comes in holistic confidence, which is what my book, you know, is about. But be very careful who you take advice from- Mm because very well-intentioned people will- Mm steer you in the completely wrong direction. That's how the road to hell is paved, with excellent intention. And you end up nowhere. Nowhere. Yeah. Now, you have to distinguish between good intention and actual competence in your relationships. How do you do that? again, it's experience, and you need to know how- Yeah to say no. Mm-hmm. You set limits. Uh, over the years you learn to share less and less with fewer and fewer people. Yeah. Because once you have succeeded in several drastically different areas that you really care about as far as- Mm your self-growth, you no longer need validation. Right. You never needed validation, but you just never- knew that until you proved it to yourself first, and then you just tell them the result of your actions. And everybody's like- Yeah "How did you do that? How did that happen?" Well, it happened, but you know I didn't keep you posted on every step, so I didn't hear your opinion necessarily all the times, but here I am now. That's how it started. And they say- Yeah "Impossible." And that's what they ha- would have said if you told them at the beginning what you intended to do. But it's better if they say impossible after you've accomplished it, rather than before and make you g- uh, you know, reconsider your decision and never take the first step. So- Mm after the fact, it's nice to inform certain people, and then when they say, "Oh, that's impossible," say, "No, it's not, because I'm the living example of it. What are you doing?" Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Throw the, throw the question back out. "And how are you doing with what your dreams are?" Yeah. Mm-hmm. so what really prompted you in the end to seize that opportunity to redesign your life and leave that whole self-esteem that blocked you- Mm so heavily? How did you leave that behind once and forever? 'Cause I'm hearing very clearly you don't have that in you anymore. Yes. It's done. Just wanna say if you're hearing booms, that's the jets flying on top of my house, okay? Oh. If you're hearing that, that's, I apologize. There's nothing I can do about it. That's okay. But yes, so what- No, I didn't hear it. Oh, good, good. 'Cause they're all over me now. Awesome. I came very close to the realization that my self-depriving of opportunity, of curiosity, and of risk-taking, I was depriving, denying myself the opportunity to pursue something different just because I lacked these three qualities that I want to develop so bad. And eventually, that self-denying of prosperity became absolutely unbearable. Mm. Absolutely unbearable. Once you realize that the worst things that happen to you, you do to yourself- Mm-hmm then things all of a sudden become much clearer. Mm. Because there is nobody to blame. Yeah. And you don't have to blame yourself necessarily, but then you can say, "Oh, okay, it's me, so I can change that." And that's the most empowering thing that happens. So that's what happened to me. And it was... I have to say it was in bumps. It was not like a sudden process. You will see the light at first, uh, uh, at, at first, and then you keep going and then you fall again. It's just a very- Mm tedious process, especially- Yeah with somebody with the mindset that I used to have, which was constantly- Yeah negative, constantly negative and self-deprecating. And I tell people, if I could do it, anybody can, 'cause I was one of the most negative people that, uh, everybody around me knew, and they were telling me that, "You're such a negative person. What, what's..." You know? It, it was hard. Nobody could help me. Mm-hmm. So eventually when I hit the ground, when I hit the, the wall- Mm-hmm well, that, that was it, and there was no coming back. Right. Yeah. And- Our show is all about doing for you, by you, because of you, which is exactly what you have done. And you hit such challenging times, I can't even begin to imagine, based on your journey from age six to where you are now. Your capacity to dig in and move through your cur- curiosity, through what you talked about, the boredom- Mm-hmm the, the repetition. But through all of that, is there one thread that allows you to keep hanging on, to keep going? Is it the curiosity that does that, or is there something more? Well, at this point, like when you're, when you already know that you can do what you can do, it's a reference points. You always can reference your previous successes. Love that. And it's much easier to push yourself through after all these years. Love that. Because when you become s- completely independently wealthy, started from nothing- Mm-hmm and you're healthy as a bull at 50, um, you see my... I can give you another example, Denise. Yeah. When I, when I stopped martial arts for... There was some injuries, so then I hit the fitness like a mad person at 41. we were able to do lots of things in martial arts. I was pretty strong, but I never was able to do pull-ups. Okay, yep. I taught myself do 100 pull-ups in a gym session. Took me 19 months, okay? Yeah. And people were saying, "Why 100 pull-ups? You can't even do two." I said, "Because that's a goal that actually sparks me." Mm. And I had good days and bad days, good days and bad days. I did not stop. I was dead set on getting these pull-ups right. Full range of motion pull-ups, my own weight. 19 months and I produced 100 pull-ups. Actually, 102 pull-ups, up from 87 the previous day, 19 months after I set that goal to myself. I was 42 already. Wow. People w- learn pull-ups in their teens. Mm-hmm. I learned them in my 40s. Yeah. I still do 'em. I'm 50 now. Wow. Okay? Mm-hmm. So the same, same principle with anything new that you start. If you're curious enough and it keeps you going, live through the boredom. Mm-hmm. Live through the failure. Mm-hmm. And do it. Yeah. And s- I, I, I tell you, it's, it's beautiful. Yeah. So incredible. It's beautiful. Yeah. Because what you're sharing is so important, and this is a piece that I think a lot of us don't take the time to do. But reference. Yeah. Look at where you have grown. Don't just say, "It didn't work today, I'm giving up." No, no, no. Today is today. What happened last week? What happened yester- use different markers to cross-reference, "No, I have improved, and here's the evidence," right? Mm-hmm. Because that helps you keep that curios- curiosity, that spark alive. I think that helps you keep the course and don't give up. That's right Yeah That's right Yeah. Love it. Ugh, I knew this was gonna be an incredible conversation. I'm over here with my cheerleading going, "Yes, she did that, and who knows what... What's next?" Thank you. I appreciate it. What's coming up next? What's coming up next for you? Are you busy doing some more- Of course anything imp- I was gonna say, you, you won't go to bed at night going, "Well, I think that's it for now." No, no, not in the next 45 years, I don't think. Um- Good that's like the realtors calling me to buy my property. So I tell them, "Call me in 45 years." Ugh. We can then have a conversation. Yep. Yeah. One thing I want your listeners to know, when you buy an investment that produces cashflow, you don't sell it. You never- Okay just don't, don't sell it. That's what Warren Buffett... Please don't sell. Buy- There you go and you will be financially independent very quickly. Mm-hmm. Very quickly. Nice. Nice. Any other tips, any other words of wisdom that you want to leave our community with before we say our goodbyes? So everybody has a different situation. Mm-hmm. We all have a different situation. We all think our situation is the hardest, the worst, the- Mm the absolute worst, whatever. Um, when you read the motivational book or listen to a motivational interview, like today's for example- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm don't hurry to tell yourself, "Oh, but my situation won't allow that." This is not true. You're using your unique situation as an excuse- Right for being- Yeah lazy and for not risking and for not growing. Don't do that. The uniqueness of your situation has beautiful things in it that you have- haven't appreciated yet. You need to appreciate the uniqueness instead of dreading it and using it as an excuse, because you're short-changing yourself if you believe that the uniqueness of your situation is a handicap. It is not. Mm-hmm. Gain your experience, take the positives of your experience, and find something you really, really aspire towards or you have aspired towards for decades and didn't give yourself the opportunity to explore. Mm-hmm. My martial arts situation was that. I describe this in chapter one of my book. I was dreaming of being a martial arts when I was in the third grade, and I was this violinist, you know, music school. And in communism, there was very limited amount of movies that we were allowed to see, but the Chinese movies with the martial arts, I was in love with these. So I was secretly practicing in our shared bedroom, because my parents and I shared a bedroom. And one day I had the, naiveté to share with my dad that I had been practicing karate for three months, and you have no idea if you haven't seen my dad explode. Mm. It was never a good thing, so, you know, he poo-pooed my dream in a matter of, like, 15 minutes, because you see, "Oh, you can break a finger. How dare you? Do you know you don't have a teacher? You're a violinist. This is impossible." No, it was, was horrible. Wow. So that dream I got to realize when I was 30. I started martial arts in America very seriously. I took it very seriously. Mm-hmm. But see, we all have these dreams- Yeah more than one, that- Mm-hmm at some point have been smashed for whatever dumb reason- Yeah for the dumbest reason usually. Yeah. Are you still able to explore that dream? What's in the way today? Because now you're adult. Nobody tells you what to do. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Did you grow up too much and you're now depriving yourself of opportunity, or do you still have that childhood curiosity that is there lurking and you're just suppressing it? Yeah. So the uniqueness of the situation has value. Yeah. Use it. Don't use it as an excuse. Use it as an advantage, and give yourself every opportunity, because ultimately life is really short. And as a nurse, I can tell you that because- Right it is very short. I've seen lots of people die, and please don't be one of those people who die with regret in 30 or 40 years, okay? Yeah. Love that. You, you just finished this episode off beautifully. Mm. It's within you, do it for you, by you, because of you, and you get to thrive after 45 and beyond. Especially after 45- Yeah because you're so much smarter than you- Absolutely when, when you're 15. You're so much smarter. There are tons of people who become extremely successful after 45. Yeah. So never think that 45 is a disadvantage. It's beautiful. It is. It's absolutely beautiful. Yeah. It is. It- 'Cause you've finally grown a brain. Right? Totally. Yes. And you really can understand the power that you have. Your decision-making, your action-taking is all within your ability to choose- Absolutely and do, right? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, 100%. Yes, ma'am. Love that. Thank you so much, Alexandra, for your- Pleasure. I appreciate you so much, Denise. Thank you. Oh, so good. We will have in the show notes all the information, your book, so people can go and access, find you, learn more about you, learn more about themselves through learning with everything that you have put into the world with your book. And before we close, I do want to tell our audience about A Room of Our Own. In November, um, the 12th and 13th actually, I'm hosting a live in-person experience called Ignite: The Inner Uprising, where women in midlife years are going to come and gather, feeling that quiet pull towards something more truthful, more embodied, more fully their own, tapping into that deep curiosity that really does exist within every one of us. Ignite is an extension of the conversations like we have here on our show, like we just had with Alexandra. It's where reflection starts to become embodied and insight starts to become integrated, where women who have held so much for everybody else finally get to come and gather and fan- stand fully in their own sovereignty. So if something in our conversation today stirred inside of you, that's not by accident. The wait list is open, so make sure you put your name on the wait list to learn more information as it, as it becomes more available, and your future self will thank you. The link will be in the show notes for that. And as always, make sure you like, share, follow, leave us a review so more women can find these incredible conversations in our community, because when one woman turns her light on like Alexandra, the rest of the room does catch fire. Until next time. Thank you again, Alexandra, for being here today. Thank you, Denise. It was such a pleasure. Thank you.