Stop "Powering Through" | How Midlife Women Can Heal High-Functioning Anxiety - with Shelley Martinez

How many of us have spent years just "powering through" because we thought that was the only way to be successful. 

Shelley Martinez is a licensed psychotherapist and what she calls an "anxiety alchemist." 

She spent decades dealing with that invisible, high-functioning anxiety - the kind where you look totally composed and "together" on the outside while your internal world feels like it’s on fire. 

We really dive into why we've normalized being stuck in survival mode and how to actually patch the holes in the boat instead of just bailing out water every day.

She shared her three step framework for moving from constant stress to genuine calm, and the best part is that she treats anxiety as a source of wisdom rather than a life sentence. 

It’s such a relief to hear someone say that we aren't broken, we just have a nervous system that needs a little rewiring.

We talked about:

• Identifying the sneaky signs of high functioning anxiety like perfectionism and overworking
• Why "coping" might actually be keeping you stuck in survival mode
• The power of curiosity and compassion in changing your internal narrative
• How to reclaim your energy so you can live a "juicy life" after 45

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing the best you can but still feel weighted down by old "rocks in your wagon," this episode is going to feel like a warm hug and a permission slip all at once. Shelley even shares a few tools that work in under a minute to bring you back to yourself. You’re going to love her heart and her wisdom.

Connect with her here:

Website: https://shelleymartinez.com/
Freebee link- Beat Anxiety in 5 Minutes or Less Mini Workshop: http://subscribepage.io/djdT6U

Thank you for spending time with me today on the Thrive After 45™ podcast! If this episode spoke to you, be sure to hit that follow button so you never miss one.

And if you loved it, I’d be so grateful if you left a review - it helps more amazing women like you find this show!

Your journey doesn’t stop here - let’s keep the conversation going! Connect with me at denisedrinkwalter.com, and follow @thethriveafter45podcast for daily insp, tips, and support.

Remember, midlife isn’t the end - it’s just the beginning of a new, exciting chapter! Keep thriving, keep shining, and I’ll see you next time!

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive after 45. I'm Denise Drink Walter heart whisperer, midlife mirror and mentor. And every week I am honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45. Together we'll uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion. What happens when the very thing that once ruled your life becomes the source of your deepest wisdom? It is an honor and a privilege to welcome Shelly Martinez to our conversation today, Shelly. An anxiety alchemist and that title is well earned. For much of her early life anxiety was a daily companion shaping her inner world from childhood well into adulthood, rather than accepting it as a life sentence. Shelly went searching for answers that reached far beyond. Surface level coping. That search led her into the nervous system itself and into nearly three decades of transformational work. Shelly is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach and certified hypnotherapist with 28 years of experience. And she has supported hundreds of women in learning how to tame high functioning anxiety, not just to quiet it, but to fundamentally change their relationship with it. What makes Shelly's work so distinctive is that she doesn't stop a relief. She guides women to reclaim their time, energy, and ease, and then. Teaches them how to transform anxiety into a superpower, a source of clarity, confidence, and inner authority. If you've ever felt like you looked really calm on the outside, while your nervous system is working over time on the inside, this conversation is going to open up a very powerful new doorway. Shelly, it is so wonderful to have you with us here today. I. Thank you. I am so excited to talk to you today, Denise. This is amazing. I've been just, it's like Christmas. I love it. I love it. Let's dive into something that really makes me wonder, what is this? When you reference high functioning anxiety, what is it you're referring to? And help us understand what that actually means. I'm so glad you asked me that because I think it's very misunderstood in that I, I call high functioning anxiety. Regular anxiety is evil twin because it's invisible and we've normalized it, but it really isn't normal. Hmm. In that, you know, we've labeled it and I'll explain more as, as kind of just the price of success. And this is just normal. And if you're a high achiever, and of course this impacts more high achieving women, you know, than it does men or other groups. Um. That it, we've kind of accepted like, well, this just must be how I am. Right? Or this is what it takes to be high achieving. Hmm. And it's absolutely not true. It's, in fact, it's holding us back. Very interesting. So what I think is really valuable. In what I heard you say, Shelly, is that we don't even recognize it as high achieving. Let's talk to our audience, which are women, right? Yeah. It's, well, you know, if you've got the CEO title, there's gonna be stuff that comes with that, right? Yeah. I know. I used to say that to myself. Well, you're the principal of the building. It's your job, so you just gotta. It's just what, it's just what it is. Denise, do it and move on. Right. Suck it up. BetterUp. Right. And so how on earth do we begin to pull apart so that we don't say, well, it's just part of the job. Just gotta do. And because your whole nervous system is a mess. Right? Exactly. Exactly. And it's, that's, that's the whole thing, is recognizing that this isn't. Normal. Mm-hmm. This isn't normal. And also another myth is that this is helping me to achieve and it's actually holding us back. Right. And many of us don't realize, but some of the things to look for are. You know, setting impossibly high standards, people pleasing, perfectionism. Procrastination, and then overwork. Taking on too much, not being able to say no.'cause you're afraid of letting people down and because you're just kind of running so fast, it's like everything becomes a yes because I don't even have time to think about it. And then later on I'm going, why did I do that? Ah, yes. You know, replaying all your conversations over and over again to nitpick and, well, I should have said that, and why did I say that? And checking your email five, six times before you can make yourself send it, because it's not perfect. You know, all of those things are signs of high functioning anxiety. Okay. Physically, you know, there's a lot of insomnia because we're exhausted, but we're wired at the same time. Mm-hmm. So we have trouble relaxing. We have a lot of insomnia, muscle aches, headaches, stomach stuff is really common. And you know, these are all things that are going on under the surface, of course, you know, on the outside. Mm-hmm. We are the go-to people, we are confident, we are calm, we are together and inside. It feels like our hair's on fire all the time. Right. So, you know, we're always trying to pretend we're okay and manage, manage and cope with it. Mm-hmm. Which coping actually keeps us stuck and it keeps our nervous system in that fight or flight or stress or survival mode. Really high functioning anxiety is your nervous system stuck in survival mode. Okay. Which is not good for you or anything you're trained to do, honestly. So, I mean, amazing examples. I, I'm sitting here as I'm listening, going. Yep. Used to do that. Used to do that. Check. Check. Yep. Yeah. Oh, me too, me too. Right. Right. So how do we begin to, after recognizing, start to reign it in, because like you shared when you were running on that, um, operating system. You're actually not doing the best you can do because you're not being the best you possible. So how, what is a step we need to discover to move forward after recognizing? Absolutely. So I've developed a three step framework. Hmm. And the first thing we need to do is reframe anxiety. We need to understand what it's here for, what its function is, how it helps us, and where it hinders us. Right. And so based on that, we, when we interpret it differently, it stops being the enemy. When we get curious and compassionate and kind with ourselves and with this part of ourselves, it's really critical. Mm-hmm. That's when we set the stage for change, and then we have to regulate differently. We have to regulate our nervous system differently, come out of that survival mode. Right. Be able to start to experience, you know, what, what are we like when we are literally calm, not just seeming calm, right? And confidence stems from that, you know, a stable, confident foundation. Right? And then thirdly, what we wanna do is rewire our nervous system so that calm and confidence becomes our foundation, our baseline, our habit. Because when you have high functioning anxiety. You're basically by default, are always anxious, right? Yeah. Yeah. And it causes so much noise and separates us from ourselves. Right. I can see that. Yeah, I can totally see that. So you two people in one body? Mm-hmm. So that itself is gonna be causing strain and stress, isn't it? Yes, definitely. Yeah. So. In your experience, what do you think the number one challenge that women face in terms of this high functioning anxiety? And then you've given some ideas, but how do you help them overcome it? I know the three steps is very powerful, very powerful. Well, and And broad. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. In in this context, right? But yeah, I think the number one challenge is for women to recognize. That this is anxiety and they don't have to stay here. We have these myths that we all kind of, I don't know, have adopted somehow from the air or the culture that say, you know, I'll just power on through it and it'll get better, which it doesn't. It can't. I mean, that's the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and coping with it actually teaches us to stay in it because coping with it is about getting through the moment, powering through, and, and don't get me wrong, it serves a purpose. It helps temporarily. It restores a sense of control and order and helps us to get through these moments and manage. But what, uh, it's doing on the backside is it's telling our nervous system that we're only okay if we're in control. Hmm, that it's dangerous out here and we've gotta be hypervigilant and managing it all the time, otherwise, something bad is gonna happen. So it just, it's like you had a leaky boat and you just kept bailing the water with the coping instead of patching the hole, which is healing, right? If you patch the hole, it stops filling up all the time. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so for us to recognize that we've, we've been fed, aligned, basically about this. Mm-hmm. And this notion, secondly, that, well, I'm just an anxious person, which is what I thought about myself for a while, because I was anxious since I was a child. I have a memory in kindergarten of my teacher telling me I was gonna get ulcers, and I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded really bad. Right. But it also convinced me like, okay, how I am not only is not normal, but it's a problem for people and I need to stuff it. I need to push it down and, and so then it became high functioning anxiety where it was there. But boy, nobody knew. Nobody knew. Yeah. Yeah. And and anxiety is a feeling. It's not a personality trait. There are people who respond habit wise with anxiety. Yeah. But they're not really anxious people. We don't have an anxiety problem. We have a nervous system stuck in survival mode. Hmm. And I think those are the biggest things to work through are these beliefs that block us in from getting, getting change and getting help. And it couples with the issue of a lot of the, um, work out there. The advice really just works on the surface. Yeah. So it doesn't work very well for a lot of us. Mm-hmm. You know, it addresses symptoms on the surface, but it doesn't deal with what's coming up underneath. Right. And I know for myself and many of my clients that just, you know, things would work for a week or maybe not at all or a month, and then we'd be right back where we started. Yeah. Yeah. S you know, getting at the root cause. And Isn't that interesting? Thank you for sharing that, Shelly, because I, I can put my hand up. I, I know my audience can put their hand up. When we say, can you remember a time when somebody said something to you that really. You can't erase it from your memory bank because it impacted not just what you heard, but it, it, it, it landed, the seed was planted and then you, without even really realizing it, like kindergarten, what? You're five, four or five? Yeah. Huge. I am sure that teacher meant no harm, specifically. Oh, yeah. By saying that. But it doesn't matter, right? One person can make a difference in another's life and one sentence can take such a hit on another person. Right? Absolutely. Think about that. I can think of, I used to tell students in a classroom, you know, they'd, I'd ask them, so in, let's think back, you know, grade two, uh, that math test, do you remember what you got on a math test and what? And I said, do you remember when somebody hurt your feelings by some? Oh yeah. I remember what they wore. I remember what they Right. And so we carry these pieces and so what you're referring to, if I'm understanding properly, is that we need to heal those parts of us that have been hurt and damaged. Beyond thinking about, well, it's the other person's fault. It's going into that healing mode and really being at one with, I'm gonna be okay, and this is where it might be stemming from, right? Yes. No, absolutely. Absolutely. And especially those early experiences because those go straight into our subconscious. You know, and they become rules because our subconscious doesn't have any ability to filter and say, well, you know, you were probably driving your teacher nuts, but she didn't mean anything negative by this. Yeah, yeah. You know, and you were, you know, driving her nuts temporarily. She didn't dislike you, she wasn't saying how you were, wasn't okay. That kind of thing. Your subconscious doesn't have the ability, it takes it at everything. At face value. Face value. Yes. You know, and that forms so many of the rules that we live by. Our subconscious runs about 95% of our life. What we think, feel, say, do, decide, believe, on and on, and on and on. And yet we rarely think about it. Right. And so that's where the rewiring comes in, is really healing those parts of ourselves so that we can have a new narrative. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And deserving of such. Oh, you bet, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. We are all, all deserving of that and, and need to recognize that at any moment. Any moment. Yeah, we are doing the best we can do right then. And it may not be the best we can ever do, but in that moment, that was the best we had. And that's okay. Yeah, because we're human. Yeah. And it's okay to wanna, you know, shift and change and grow where we can. And to do that, we need that kindness, curiosity, and compassion. Those are big foundations for my work because without that, nothing shifts. If, if being mean to ourselves worked, we'd be perfect by now. Right. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And isn't it something that we as humans and in particular women, the self chat, the self, you know. Conversation that we have inside of our thoughts. The majority of it is not positive and uplifting. It's all about you should have. Could have. Would have. Why all the, yeah, negative. So I love the work that you do because you help rewire. That. Right? Yeah, absolutely. That's the goal.'cause we, our brain literally has a negativity bias, which makes sense. If you think about it from evolutionary terms. If there's a hundred berries that I, I like this will bring back, but there's a hundred berry bushes out in the forest that we collect from. Right? Okay. Mm-hmm. But one of the pest snakes under it, we need to remember which one had snakes under it. Got it. When we go out, right? Yep. And in modern day times, unfortunately, some of these strategies that make a lot of sense when you look way back, don't service here and now. So that, and that's analogous to a hundred people told me good things. Mm-hmm. And one person told me something critical and I focus on the critical person. Right. Yeah. You know, because we, we haven't adjusted the way we need to, and, and there are ways to help our mind and our subconscious and our nervous system to adjust and overcome some of that bias for sure. To make calm a bias, to make compassion for ourselves, the bias and the habit. Oh, thank you. That, and that's my goal for that. Thank you for that work. It is so needed. So needed in, in the world we live in today, we've got, excuse me, so many exterior. Negative forces at work that are beyond our control, but we are consuming it in a way that I don't think is always very healthy because we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel concept. We see the dark and gloomy. So your work is so valuable in so many ways, so many levels. Thank you for all of it. Um, yeah. I'm really passionate about it because mm-hmm. You know, I was, I was there. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. And I know, I believe that women are going to heal and change the world, and especially those of us who have, you know, passed that point of 45. So we're not as focused on raising little kids that need their milk cord for them. Right. We're more settled within our career, within our lives, but that's when things really open up to us possibilities. And it's like, wait a minute. What do I really wanna do with this? Right? What do I really wanna be doing? And, and not that we didn't wanna have our career and our family, of course, all of those things, but I think there's time that's freed up for us. Yeah. At this stage in our life, there's time, there's energy that allows so much possibility. And if we're gonna heal the world and change it in positive ways, which I believe women will, we need to not be weighed down with all our emotional baggage, all the old stuff. Yeah. So that's my mission, is to help as many women as possible to be able to put those things down. Mm-hmm. So that they can go and live a juicy life, whatever that means for them. Absolutely. And, and it's the whole context of our show, isn't it? It's, this is for you, for you, by you because of you. And I love how you shared, you know, you're at a different, um. At a different part in your timeline of life. So it doesn't mean that what you've done prior is not okay or not right? It was absolutely in alignment with where you were on the trajectory of that timeline. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally. But we're also allowed to change our minds in terms of our focus and you know, giving ourselves permission or even the ability to ask the question. Yeah. Because so often we don't ask questions'cause we're so busy we're in that, you know, kind of hamster wheel sort of life. Exactly. Yeah. The door is opening for possibilities through your lens of curiosity, which I absolutely love. I think life is so beautiful when we come through it, um, via the lens of curiosity instead of what should I or oh, my expectations are, right. When we create that curiosity lens, it, it lightens the load just by thinking that way, doesn't it? Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's why I think your work too is so important because there's so much potential for us here. Yeah. You know, at this point in our lives. Mm-hmm. Yeah, there is. And when we are grounded and centered in our new way of being with the calm, clarity mindset, subconscious work, we have a nicer opportunity to move with more fluidity, don't we? Oh, absolutely, absolutely unencumbered. Yeah. You know, think of it like all that old junk kind of, yeah. This idea of a, a red wagon, you know, the red wagons with the black and white wheels that many of us had as kids. Yeah. I feel like when stuff goes wrong in our lives, which inevitably does, it's, you know, we all have stuff. Right. Then it puts rocks in those wagon. And it's hard to pull those wagons. It's harder and harder and harder to get'em places. And so if we can take the rocks out, boy, you know, to quote Dr. Seuss, all the places we will go. Yeah, yeah. And why not, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got this. Precious and wildlife do it. Yeah. Nothing to lose. Everything to gain. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Is there any, I know we've touched on so much, but is there anything you would love to leave our audience with as we get ready to close this conversation? Well, uh, two things. Mm-hmm. First off, I want them to know that however long, however much they've struggled in their anxiety, it is never, ever too late to change. That can be shifted no matter what, no matter where you're at. Thank you. And if other things have not worked so well for you, you're not broken. It doesn't mean that you're broken. Because, you know, I know I felt that way for a very long time. Mm-hmm. You know, there must be something wrong with me. And that's not really the case because you just need to come at it at a different angle. And, um, also wanted to offer your audience a free mini class with, it's got four really good relaxation tools to help you in the moment. Three of them work in under a minute to bring more common confidence to your life because once you're calm. Confidence follows. You know, we always think, oh, well I'll get, I'll get confidence somehow. But no, you've gotta be, you've gotta feel calm first. Mm-hmm. You have to soothe the body before you can soothe the mind. Always, always, always, always. Or at least at the same time. Mm-hmm. And so, um, it's got some of my favorite really easy, really powerful tools to get started on this journey for anyone who's interested in doing that. Wonderful, and we will have all this information in the show notes. So make sure you check out the show notes and how to contact Shelly, um, to have deeper conversation. And I am so honored to have shared this time with you. I just love the work that you do, and I'm so grateful that unfortunately, your life. Took you to the point that you had to really understand the depths of the anxiety that you experienced, but I always believe there's a purpose and a reason for everything, and I think it was meant to be so that you could come out and do the beautiful work that you do now, supporting people to. Be high functioning without that extra anxiety and to become calm and confident and very clear on who you are as a person first, and the job secondary and the relationship secondary, but relationship to self is, is pivotal. So it's everything. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Once you get that done, then you discover, and thank you for your compassion towards me, but it really, that's the point where it becomes a superpower. Yes, is when you've healed it and rewired it, and it's something that works for you instead of against you. Mm. Which is amazing and it's wonderful to see in folks. Yeah. And thank you for leading the way in that. Thank you. It has been such a joy to talk with you, Denise. You too. You too. So again, we'll have all the information in the show notes. Make sure you check it out. Get that free resource. Oh my gosh. I can't wait to get my hands on it. I know that for sure. I'm so excited. Before we close, I do want to share something gently. I am currently stewarding the. Early formation of a live in-person experience called Ignite the Inner Uprising, and it's being created for women in midlife who feel the quiet pull towards something more truthful, more embodied, more their own. It isn't an event I'm rushing. Or loudly promoting. It's just being built slowly with care and very deep respect for the women in midlife who it's meant to serve. So if your body leaned in at any point today during our conversation, if something here resonated beyond words, just know this, that there will be a place to gather for now. Simply stay connected. Follow, like, share. Give us your reviews so more women can find us. And when the timing is right, you will hear more about Ignite the inner uprising. Have an incredible day.